Wal-Mart part deux

So today I go to Wal-Mart. Luckily I am already dressed for work so I dont have to worry too much about being put up in the ‘wal-martians hall of fame'. I was doing just fine in the self checkout until the lady came over and said I needed ‘help’ b/c there was an error. Well, on my side it was letting me checkout just fine and she didnt seem to comprehend when I wouldnt let her take the items from my hand to scan!!! It was like 2 ladies fighting over the last tickle me Elmo on Christmas Eve! So the ‘help’ she gave me put me behind about 10 minutes – everything I scanned from that point on made it stop and need an override! Is that some sort of job security she has worked up? And then after we are checked out and she is standing right there completing the process she walks back over to her ‘helper’ podium and as I start to walk away acts like we have never met before, proceeds to act like the airline counter agent from Meet the Parents, smiles and asks to check my receipt!!!! Umm….OK – Hii…..remember me? You just did an override for 95% of the items in these TWO bags. Yeah, that was me, yeah...right over there about 2 feet from here... – nice to see you again! And then at the door, as if I look like I would steal $5 clearance items of paint by number craft items I am asked again by the 95 year old door guy who cant even see my cart much less read the disappearing text on the glossy magic paper receipt!!! Where were these Cartel security the day the lady didn’t scan anything on the bottom shelf of my cart? Beer, cokes, waters…… Probably about $75 worth of goods that walked out that day!!!! YES, people waiting to turn me in……I turned around and tried to pay for them but the ignoramus behind the register didn’t get it and sent me to customer service!!!! I mean, if I have to spell it out for you to take more of my money I am thinking you probably don’t deserve to have it!!!! My good deed that day cost me about 45 minutes on top of the money I had to force down their throats!

My Craigslist Posting

Yup, nothing else more exciting and I really just need to get something updated. Oh, and I like to see if the counter moves more than 2 spaces after I post and I wonder how it does it so quick. Is it the terrorist police that scan and filter blogs? Either way....just more to type about.

Basically I cant stick with a dining or living set long enough to ruin it....which is only a couple of hours for us so we have a front room with a full set of both so here is my Craigslist post of the day. .....yes, reaching an all time low to blog with a CL post, but dont judge, its a slow brain activity month for me.

Round, wood table with pedestal bottom. Wood is a dark cherry in color. It is 53 inches in diameter. It has some heat marks on it....one is in the shape of a piece of pizza for anyone that might need guidance on where to set the pizza when they eat.....it actually might be considered a feature....kind of like a shape training table! I have read about how you can get them off but I am too lazy to look for our iron - I dont even know if we have one. When I read that I removed the post and planned on fixing them so I could get more $ for it, but that was in December so I am thinking it aint gonna happen so lucky you....if you know where your iron is! It doesn't have any noticeable scratches. It is not anything you would see in a Toll Brothers Model show home but we eat off of it. There is a lip around the table that if detailed with a toothpick would look fabulous but you would only notice the remnants if you look closely which I have only had 1 guest make a face and she is very OCD and clean clean clean clean.....like would NEVER eat anything that fell on the floor! There are some nics in the 3 inch ledge under the table top from the arms of the chairs hitting them. Seats 5, chairs not included.

Please put the word Mogli in your subject line if you are an actual person.

Thanks

Trophy Wife

I think that if I get on the scale and it goes down even an ounce that a male cheer squad should jump out with confetti and balloons and carry me around the house for a few laps!  Same goes when I pass on a piece of pizza or ice cream or even sweet tea - someone should run up and give me a trophy!  But unfortunately neither of these things will be happening because I am not refusing anything that is offered to me while sitting here on the couch.  

Now Daddy goes off and exercises every day and the kids associate the gym and running and healthy this and that with Daddy. If ever I did decide to do anything that involved physical exertion other than getting into my jeans or trying to get a marker or gum away from one of these little ones Im pretty sure it wouldn't be anywhere anyone could witness the sight so they aren't exactly associating me with the same coolness. 6 yr old told me this week that I am just a lazy, lazy, always tired mommy who just likes to sleep. YEAH, I do like to sleep....during the DARK hours - the rule around here is if it is still DARK outside it is NOT WAKE TIME!!!! Go play in the street. Just be sure to wear your glow in the dark clothes and bring a whistle.......hell just bring the gun. If anything you can throw it at the perp or Mt Lion coming after you, by then lets hope it is light out and I will rise from my LAZY ass to help you. Saleswoman she is not - is this how you start your 'what I want for breakfast' plea...by calling me lazy? I'll show you lazy - get me a beer damn it! Im out of breath just typing this and get winded thinking about exercise. I had to sit down the other day after looking up and down for scotch tape!

Something I don't get is WHY, no matter WHERE I am sitting or standing this child finds a way to affix herself to me and before I know it she is like a boa constrictor around my neck.  Before I even sit down she is already seated on my lap - how is that even possible?  And then the whole fight of who gets to sit next to mommy.  I need one of those preschool tables that has the spot in the middle for the teacher and it seats kids around it in a U shape.   Or maybe I will just say NOBODY, I am sitting at that table over there - table for 1 please.

Side-note.   Watching animal planet and there are only so many happy animal shows they can come up with so now they are on to medical saviors of animals - one of which is a hookworm.  I think I might vomit.  The hookworm as a cure for asthma!  Oh, and by the way, of course you cant just take a hookworm pill you have to walk on human feces to get it!  Awesome, sign me up!   I cant even watch this, oh but then it gets better - a spa with snakes that massage - basically you have snakes sliver all over you rather than fingers of a person.....this part I absolutely cant watch and I mean it this time!!

OK, none of these really have a point. Oh well, get over it.

Its not fair, its lawful

My Day in court.

So I was towed about a month ago from a spot that was not well marked so I decided to dispute it.  Anything having to do with filing papers and making a court date and going to any city building is not something I am a fan of so deciding to do this certainly wasn't for fun.  

I arrive 5 minutes before my scheduled time and big Bertha from the towing company and her Guido tow truck driver were there.  They came directly from the jail cell I am sure and they look just like the people you see on that show Repo or something like that.   I can hear a guy in the hallway on his phone talking about how much that would cost and he only takes cash and something about a pound.....the guy was negotiating a drug deal in the courthouse!  Sweet!   Finally, the judge comes in, sits down, asks if I am Mrs. Green and who else is here for the tow hearing.  I affirm that I am and then he looks over at the others, shakes his head, closes the file and says "why does this keep happening?"  He goes on to explain to me that he will have to excuse himself from the case as it would be a conflict of interest or seen as unfair if he presided over the case - he said it in some legal speak much more intelligent sounding than that.   After he left, I asked my new friends what the hell that meant and she told me that he is a retired judge who is there part time but is also a lawyer who represents them.  So, this tells me already I am at a disadvantage AND that they are always in there!  STRIKE ONE!  The next judge comes in and introduces the case in a similar way but also knows Bertha and her band and apologizes for not remembering her name.  STRIKE TWO!  He explains the process which included explanation that I present my pictures to  Bertha first and then to the judge and Bertha can ask questions about them.  Then I plead my case and already Judge Jackass is combative and badgering towards me. 

I probably wouldnt feel like I was in a state building and I guess it wouldnt be the good old judicial system if the judge didnt have a chip on his shoulder.  Heavens forbid that after all of these years of being the obi-juan-so-powerful he could possibly possess enough self confidence not to have to get his rocks off on overpowering people who are already submissive to him out of fear.  I mean the guy was here for the flood and has probably been a judge for 75 years and you think by now he might just not take himself so seriously.  I mean lighten up Francis.  That is probably his problem, his name is Francis Kate and he is taking it out on everyone else! 

So, we continue on and it is Bertha's turn to show myself and Obi-Juan her pictures so when she hands them to me and is explaining each one I start to ask questions just like she did when I was doing the same.  But Judge Jackass tells me not to be so rude and I will have a chance to ask questions and now is not the time.  Oh, Im sorry - I was actually listening when you read off how you like to conduct this thing and since she asked questions when I presented my pictures for some reason I thought I also would get to do the same, oh and that we would be all crazy and follow your procedure you senile multiple personality swine!  Silly me, I also should know that being in a state building means the Obi-Juan does as he pleases and shall change the rules as we go.  Note taken.  STRIKE THREE!  There is already a love fest between the two of them - they have lunch plans after this that were confirmed at the start of the hearing and I believe I saw her reach over and caress his face lovingly (I found that a little unprofessional myself).  Even with the affair in place he also badgers her and used a cool quote "That wont feed the bulldog!"  It was quite a show!  He keeps me on the hopeful side by still agreeing with my pictures after seeing hers and there is only one sign in question.   So, the tow truck driver who towed me himself was also there but wasnt allowed to speak until now b/c Judge Obi-Juan was going to take his sweet time in swearing him in.  I SAY WHO, I SAY WHEN, I SAY....WHO.  So, this is the time he decides to swear him in and all of a sudden the slow moving, Texas accented Judge is an auctioneer and the swearing in was done in 1.4 seconds.   Also another neat trick in the show.

So after all of the shenanigans the judge asks if I have any witnesses to which I just looked around the court and only saw the thugs in line for the next hearings which mostly involved DUI, suspended license, no insurance, destruction of public property, urinating in the street......you know the cream of the crop of law abiding people.  Nobody appeared to be qualified so I declined a witness and was on to my closing arguments.  But first the judge recites what he has seen and says.....and I wish he said this sooner..."Im not trying to be fair, Im trying to be lawful"  Well, that pretty much sums it up. STRIKE FOUR! (Yes, I know that hockey doesn't have 4 strikes, only 3...just trying to be funny here people).  So, if they are even a tiny bit lawful but completely unfair, immoral, sneaky and slimey about it, thats acceptable.  By the way, earlier in his multiple  personality disorder information spew he said that it doesn't have to be proved beyond a reasonable doubt I just have to tip the scales more in my favor by having both fairness and the law being taken into consideration. But not if is is fair, no sir-ree, nope, cant be fair.  Not gonna do it.  I also used this in my closing which I dont think he appreciated.

I couldnt help but chuckle as I stood up to give my closing arguments at what an opportunity this would be to go on and on and recite parts of the constitution, throw in some Few Good Men quotes, and end with some tears!  One thing is for sure is that the courtroom is no place for smiles or humor. And certainly not a place for fairness...only lawfulness.  I cant help but wonder if they were being fair but unlawful....what would happen then?  Everything would be all catywompus!

I hate things that make kids giddy with joy

Let me just begin with telling you that one of my favorite sounds is the laughter of kids or babies even when they laugh like hyenas in heat. But there are some toys and items in our world that I just find ZERO use for. There are parents who think they are funny by putting them in a goody bag at a party or they give them as a gift to your kid to either start a war or get back at you for something you did. Now, there are plenty of things I do outwardly and for the humor of it and yes, they do sometimes end up with a pay-back.....for the smart ones. A few examples:
Hey Jen....thanks for the whistles in the goody bags - you are swell......this mom paid me back with silly putty
But I must say that the whistles were actually straws and I didn't know they were whistles until HER kids got them and I did have special bags for her kids b/c she gave them GUM last time!
Oh Balloons, I LOVE balloons, need more of them - especially in the summer when all of the fans in the house are on! OR when your kid cowers from balloons b/c one POPPED in her face that one time when she finally did get up the courage to move closer to this odd floating being.

Here is a quick list:
Silly String
Balloons
Bath Markers
Bath Foam
Bath Bubbles....anything BATH
Bubbles
Whistles
party horns
gum
packing peanunts
bubble wrap
finger paints
silly putty
finger paints
bouncy bouncy balls - the ones they can fit perfectly in their mouth
craft gifts of any kind - you have the sand making stuff, puppet making toys, create your own bubble bath, easy bake oven, cupcake machine, purse knitting, make your own silk-screen-sun-dyed-handprint-tie died-pillow kit, and the favorite of all the baby hand plaster set...wait actually the crystal and geode making set....THAT one tops it (but was actually MY idea)!

Yeah, so you get the gist of it, pretty much anything that requires my assistance (aka: I HAVE to do it MYSELF), requires an iron or any heat source, has anything to do with my washing machine (aka: RUINING any load that comes through in the next 6 months, at least if I don't want some random spot of purple on it), anything that breeds or creates more of a mess than a 2yr old can clean up in a 2 foot radius, anything that doesn't return immediate gratification like the geode making was 10 days for the FIRST step!!! Anything that melts which means it could melt in my car, anything that stains, anything that needs more than a 1 time set of attention...like a plant or a fish or something like that...like living..., anything that takes up more space than a shoebox, and especially (and i know every parent would agree) is anything that makes noise.....even those adorable, irresistible little zhu zhu pets that squeak and such....those things never stop. We had one loose in the house for 3 days after Christmas!!!

But really, despite all of this I really AM a toy lover! Its just that the toys I love and pick out aren't real crowd pleasers. Playing cards, wad of paper that you throw in a basket, pretend anything.....and....well....yeah - that about covers it.

OK, so the other day I am at Goodwill looking for some sort of fluffy frilly girly curtain something or other to use as the dress-up closet entrance. In the aisle next to me are 2 people who work there emptying a cart onto the shelves. They are emptying a cart full of books and movies. Every single thing that comes out of the cart becomes a story....something like “oh, the amazon – I was born in the amazon and was raised as….oh, this one is about Portugal, I am half Portuguese, my Dad was in the…oh this one is on the Circus, I just love the Circus….as I was saying my Dad was in the Circus so we traveled a lot and….oh, look my favorite book Gone with the Wind – my name is Rhett and I was actually named after Rhett Butler because….oh, and here we have Roots….I am actually half Black too…… Oh MY GOSH – it went on and on and on and ON! I was just wanting him to pick up Peter Pan or Little Mermaid to see what came next. After a mini internal laugh I started to move away and try to get away from the noise, but I could hear him from every single aisle and I got as far away as I could get.... It was time for one of those ditch the cart and just go moves. The store is better told in person with the crazy multiple personality disorder coming off of his meds but also on too much caffeine voice....if you want you can just make your own voice and go back and read that one out loud!

Stupid People

Im not highly intellectual, educationally pedigreed or related to the Queen. I don’t claim to be an expert in many or any topics nor to I claim to be any higher form of living. But somehow I ended up with this inner voice that looks people over listens to what is going on and just cant help but comment or laugh....…and hope it isn’t out loud! Certainly you know who these people are and you have run across them either directly or indirectly that just make you laugh inside... or really worry about the future of humanity.

Overheard 2 ladies talking in the thrift store. The topic was about someone who donated a bunch of clothes and not sure how the conversation got to this in 10 seconds but – her brother died of skin cancer. One lady says “yes, we have that in our family on both sides so I am always very careful. My Dad died of this and my older brother of this” The other lady counters with “yes, my brother died of cancer too but I am lucky it doesn’t run on my side of the family” Ummmmmmm – your BROTHER is your side of the family you dumbass! Are you really allowed out of the house without a helmet and sign around your neck? I really hate to know that we share the road with half-wits. Not just these but also the ones who will push and push and push on a door – even if you didn’t see it says PULL – really, it takes more than 2 pushes to try the other way? Survival of the fittest I guess!

Damn good thing we are perfect…..well I am and I know anyone who I have invited to read my blog also shares in such a class of perfectness! It is exhausting I tell you!