If you have been to the mall more than one time in your life you have experienced the pushy kiosk people that walk TOWARDS you in the mall trying to reel you into their space and talk your ear off about whatever it is that they have that is magical and all-healing. So, if you have EVER spoken to one or let yourself be lured in you also have come up with your own strategy to avoid these people like the plague! Either you are friendly and stop and nod your head and say no thank you, or you make something up like you have to get going to make it to your next liver transplant on time or you act like you are deaf, mute, blind and only speak hungarian and just grunt and squint and maybe cop a feel as if you dont know better. OR, you could just fart and be on your way.
Whichever direction you choose you have figured it out, you are no mall kiosk sucker. You are on the verge of having a BudLight song written for you. So, the other day when I (so thoughtfully) brought my swine flu kid to the mall with me to drop off a dress for alterations and be on my way we were caught off guard by the guy putting his hand out saying 'here, I have a gift for you' So, of course Natalie's eyes open wide and she puts her hand out before I can stop her she has lotion on her hands. Now, mind you she is my allergy, asthma, excema child who would probably break out in hives and on this occasion I would have welcomed it to get the hell out of there! But no, no allergic reaction, no hives, no tearing, nothing. He gets lotion on both of our hands, says smell it, etc....isnt it nice, the sweetest thing, blah blah blah. "Next" he says in his Isrealii accent " something better" so as we inch our way closer to the fast talking boy he then puts a glob of salt in my hand - keep in mind I have my purse hanging from my wrist AND a shopping bag. Natalie also has a bag and puts her hand out before I can stop her. Of course I couldnt b/c I have a hand full of salt of my own, so she then has a hand full of salt too! GREAT. Now what? I can either just toss it on the ground, throw it at him and wipe my hands on his shirt OR move even closer and fall for this ploy to stand there even longer and listen to the schpeel. So, I slide the things off of my wrist (as he mentions his de-facto joke that he wont take anything) and put my hands over the bowl in hopes that what he has in the pitcher is water that will rinse this stuff off and get it off of my little girl who might soon balloon up like a blowfish! So, we luckily get it off of our hands all the while listening to the guy in his adorable accent tell me about where the salt comes from and why the Dead Sea is called the Dead Sea like I am an uneducated ignoramus! So, this is insult #1 - "do you know why it is called the Dead Sea?" Then as I am all rinsed off and ready to run he puts yet another thing on my wrist with a cotton ball while asking if I showered today - showing me the cotton ball with dirty dead skin on it and says "Eww, disgusting right?" (insult #2) Accent getting a little annoying and gay at this point. Yeah, buddy - you went to sales 101 I suppose - insult the customer - you are a dumb-ass and a smelly hag! Nice.
So, onto the close - you get this and this and this but if you buy just this and this, you of course get this free! All of this for just $150!!! What a deal! I will take 4 sets, wrap em up! Why on earth would he think that an uneducated smelly hag could afford such luxuries!
And get your smelly paws off my kid - oh, wait - dont, why dont you kiss her and OH, Im sorry you just got the flu didnt you? Bummer - you should let people answer you before you touch them! Because on this day, I would have had a perfectly acceptable and truthful brush-off that certainly would have had him back away!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Smarter than a 3rd grader?
So, I went to my daughter's school to listen to the kids read the other day. They come and sit with you one by one and read a few pages from these books and then they answer a few questions when they are done.
This class has 1st through 3rd graders and several different levels of readers. And of course by nature some kids are smarter than others - either by genetics, natural selection, nothing else to do but study, their parents were nerds too or they know that they either need to learn something or will be working the drive-thru at Burger King reporting to Sam. Not Starbucks mind you, b/c at Starbucks the drive-thru is worked only by college grads. They keep their diploma on the coffee table and dont get a career on purpose to PISS their parents off. They do get pleasure out of saying things to their patrons to make them feel like a lesser not as highly educate person for pulling through the drive-thru in their BMW, wearing a business suit and buying 8 lattes and pastries for whatever meeting they are going to. Like 'HA, you poor sucker - you have to go suck up to people you dont even like, bring them coffee, and chat them up and I get to leisurely hang out here at the coffee shop drinking anything I want all day FREE ....' Next time I think I will ask for 8 separate checks and see what smart-ass comment Mr PHD has for me then! Just because I dont speak Latin and want to order a medium half coffee half milk on ice in plain English....snobs!
Meanwhile....back to the classroom. So, the questions at the end of the stories are things like 'what did the father do first?' 'What was the point of the story?' 'Why is it easier to break one stick than it is to break a bundle?' 'Do you find it racist that the story uses the word Indians?' HA - just kidding on that last one - seeing if you were asleep yet! So, the first couple of readers I had were first graders so the questions were easier and I could follow along and actually help out with the answers. By the 4th or 5th reader I had the smarty pants 3rd graders who breezed right through the stories and the questions. They were reading so fast I couldnt really check them b/c I was trying to figure out where they were!!! Well, I wasnt quite ready for this and having shiny object syndrome and all I had to look back on the story to see what some of the answers could have been. Well, when the 'what was the morale or point to the story?' question came up, I had no idea. I dont think I really listened to the story but only paid attention to the words that were being read. Keep in mind I had already heard it 2 times!!! I really had no idea what the morale of the story was to this huge long 3 page story that went on and on and on!
So, no I am not smarter than a 3rd grader! Or at least not these ones! How sad for them that I am the one checking their work and my only job is to make them feel good about it!
This class has 1st through 3rd graders and several different levels of readers. And of course by nature some kids are smarter than others - either by genetics, natural selection, nothing else to do but study, their parents were nerds too or they know that they either need to learn something or will be working the drive-thru at Burger King reporting to Sam. Not Starbucks mind you, b/c at Starbucks the drive-thru is worked only by college grads. They keep their diploma on the coffee table and dont get a career on purpose to PISS their parents off. They do get pleasure out of saying things to their patrons to make them feel like a lesser not as highly educate person for pulling through the drive-thru in their BMW, wearing a business suit and buying 8 lattes and pastries for whatever meeting they are going to. Like 'HA, you poor sucker - you have to go suck up to people you dont even like, bring them coffee, and chat them up and I get to leisurely hang out here at the coffee shop drinking anything I want all day FREE ....' Next time I think I will ask for 8 separate checks and see what smart-ass comment Mr PHD has for me then! Just because I dont speak Latin and want to order a medium half coffee half milk on ice in plain English....snobs!
Meanwhile....back to the classroom. So, the questions at the end of the stories are things like 'what did the father do first?' 'What was the point of the story?' 'Why is it easier to break one stick than it is to break a bundle?' 'Do you find it racist that the story uses the word Indians?' HA - just kidding on that last one - seeing if you were asleep yet! So, the first couple of readers I had were first graders so the questions were easier and I could follow along and actually help out with the answers. By the 4th or 5th reader I had the smarty pants 3rd graders who breezed right through the stories and the questions. They were reading so fast I couldnt really check them b/c I was trying to figure out where they were!!! Well, I wasnt quite ready for this and having shiny object syndrome and all I had to look back on the story to see what some of the answers could have been. Well, when the 'what was the morale or point to the story?' question came up, I had no idea. I dont think I really listened to the story but only paid attention to the words that were being read. Keep in mind I had already heard it 2 times!!! I really had no idea what the morale of the story was to this huge long 3 page story that went on and on and on!
So, no I am not smarter than a 3rd grader! Or at least not these ones! How sad for them that I am the one checking their work and my only job is to make them feel good about it!
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