If you have been to the mall more than one time in your life you have experienced the pushy kiosk people that walk TOWARDS you in the mall trying to reel you into their space and talk your ear off about whatever it is that they have that is magical and all-healing. So, if you have EVER spoken to one or let yourself be lured in you also have come up with your own strategy to avoid these people like the plague! Either you are friendly and stop and nod your head and say no thank you, or you make something up like you have to get going to make it to your next liver transplant on time or you act like you are deaf, mute, blind and only speak hungarian and just grunt and squint and maybe cop a feel as if you dont know better. OR, you could just fart and be on your way.
Whichever direction you choose you have figured it out, you are no mall kiosk sucker. You are on the verge of having a BudLight song written for you. So, the other day when I (so thoughtfully) brought my swine flu kid to the mall with me to drop off a dress for alterations and be on my way we were caught off guard by the guy putting his hand out saying 'here, I have a gift for you' So, of course Natalie's eyes open wide and she puts her hand out before I can stop her she has lotion on her hands. Now, mind you she is my allergy, asthma, excema child who would probably break out in hives and on this occasion I would have welcomed it to get the hell out of there! But no, no allergic reaction, no hives, no tearing, nothing. He gets lotion on both of our hands, says smell it, etc....isnt it nice, the sweetest thing, blah blah blah. "Next" he says in his Isrealii accent " something better" so as we inch our way closer to the fast talking boy he then puts a glob of salt in my hand - keep in mind I have my purse hanging from my wrist AND a shopping bag. Natalie also has a bag and puts her hand out before I can stop her. Of course I couldnt b/c I have a hand full of salt of my own, so she then has a hand full of salt too! GREAT. Now what? I can either just toss it on the ground, throw it at him and wipe my hands on his shirt OR move even closer and fall for this ploy to stand there even longer and listen to the schpeel. So, I slide the things off of my wrist (as he mentions his de-facto joke that he wont take anything) and put my hands over the bowl in hopes that what he has in the pitcher is water that will rinse this stuff off and get it off of my little girl who might soon balloon up like a blowfish! So, we luckily get it off of our hands all the while listening to the guy in his adorable accent tell me about where the salt comes from and why the Dead Sea is called the Dead Sea like I am an uneducated ignoramus! So, this is insult #1 - "do you know why it is called the Dead Sea?" Then as I am all rinsed off and ready to run he puts yet another thing on my wrist with a cotton ball while asking if I showered today - showing me the cotton ball with dirty dead skin on it and says "Eww, disgusting right?" (insult #2) Accent getting a little annoying and gay at this point. Yeah, buddy - you went to sales 101 I suppose - insult the customer - you are a dumb-ass and a smelly hag! Nice.
So, onto the close - you get this and this and this but if you buy just this and this, you of course get this free! All of this for just $150!!! What a deal! I will take 4 sets, wrap em up! Why on earth would he think that an uneducated smelly hag could afford such luxuries!
And get your smelly paws off my kid - oh, wait - dont, why dont you kiss her and OH, Im sorry you just got the flu didnt you? Bummer - you should let people answer you before you touch them! Because on this day, I would have had a perfectly acceptable and truthful brush-off that certainly would have had him back away!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Smarter than a 3rd grader?
So, I went to my daughter's school to listen to the kids read the other day. They come and sit with you one by one and read a few pages from these books and then they answer a few questions when they are done.
This class has 1st through 3rd graders and several different levels of readers. And of course by nature some kids are smarter than others - either by genetics, natural selection, nothing else to do but study, their parents were nerds too or they know that they either need to learn something or will be working the drive-thru at Burger King reporting to Sam. Not Starbucks mind you, b/c at Starbucks the drive-thru is worked only by college grads. They keep their diploma on the coffee table and dont get a career on purpose to PISS their parents off. They do get pleasure out of saying things to their patrons to make them feel like a lesser not as highly educate person for pulling through the drive-thru in their BMW, wearing a business suit and buying 8 lattes and pastries for whatever meeting they are going to. Like 'HA, you poor sucker - you have to go suck up to people you dont even like, bring them coffee, and chat them up and I get to leisurely hang out here at the coffee shop drinking anything I want all day FREE ....' Next time I think I will ask for 8 separate checks and see what smart-ass comment Mr PHD has for me then! Just because I dont speak Latin and want to order a medium half coffee half milk on ice in plain English....snobs!
Meanwhile....back to the classroom. So, the questions at the end of the stories are things like 'what did the father do first?' 'What was the point of the story?' 'Why is it easier to break one stick than it is to break a bundle?' 'Do you find it racist that the story uses the word Indians?' HA - just kidding on that last one - seeing if you were asleep yet! So, the first couple of readers I had were first graders so the questions were easier and I could follow along and actually help out with the answers. By the 4th or 5th reader I had the smarty pants 3rd graders who breezed right through the stories and the questions. They were reading so fast I couldnt really check them b/c I was trying to figure out where they were!!! Well, I wasnt quite ready for this and having shiny object syndrome and all I had to look back on the story to see what some of the answers could have been. Well, when the 'what was the morale or point to the story?' question came up, I had no idea. I dont think I really listened to the story but only paid attention to the words that were being read. Keep in mind I had already heard it 2 times!!! I really had no idea what the morale of the story was to this huge long 3 page story that went on and on and on!
So, no I am not smarter than a 3rd grader! Or at least not these ones! How sad for them that I am the one checking their work and my only job is to make them feel good about it!
This class has 1st through 3rd graders and several different levels of readers. And of course by nature some kids are smarter than others - either by genetics, natural selection, nothing else to do but study, their parents were nerds too or they know that they either need to learn something or will be working the drive-thru at Burger King reporting to Sam. Not Starbucks mind you, b/c at Starbucks the drive-thru is worked only by college grads. They keep their diploma on the coffee table and dont get a career on purpose to PISS their parents off. They do get pleasure out of saying things to their patrons to make them feel like a lesser not as highly educate person for pulling through the drive-thru in their BMW, wearing a business suit and buying 8 lattes and pastries for whatever meeting they are going to. Like 'HA, you poor sucker - you have to go suck up to people you dont even like, bring them coffee, and chat them up and I get to leisurely hang out here at the coffee shop drinking anything I want all day FREE ....' Next time I think I will ask for 8 separate checks and see what smart-ass comment Mr PHD has for me then! Just because I dont speak Latin and want to order a medium half coffee half milk on ice in plain English....snobs!
Meanwhile....back to the classroom. So, the questions at the end of the stories are things like 'what did the father do first?' 'What was the point of the story?' 'Why is it easier to break one stick than it is to break a bundle?' 'Do you find it racist that the story uses the word Indians?' HA - just kidding on that last one - seeing if you were asleep yet! So, the first couple of readers I had were first graders so the questions were easier and I could follow along and actually help out with the answers. By the 4th or 5th reader I had the smarty pants 3rd graders who breezed right through the stories and the questions. They were reading so fast I couldnt really check them b/c I was trying to figure out where they were!!! Well, I wasnt quite ready for this and having shiny object syndrome and all I had to look back on the story to see what some of the answers could have been. Well, when the 'what was the morale or point to the story?' question came up, I had no idea. I dont think I really listened to the story but only paid attention to the words that were being read. Keep in mind I had already heard it 2 times!!! I really had no idea what the morale of the story was to this huge long 3 page story that went on and on and on!
So, no I am not smarter than a 3rd grader! Or at least not these ones! How sad for them that I am the one checking their work and my only job is to make them feel good about it!
Monday, September 28, 2009
I got nothin!
I am at a loss. Writers block. No will to get off my ass really. I think I have the swine flu.
Some motivational comments from you might help. I know I am not the only person that reads this blog and if you would show yourself I might have more of a will to talk to someone other than myself. Not looking for conversation here, but simply the fact that this isnt the lone blogger.
By the way - as far as cold medicines goes - Advil Sinus with the real Sudafed in it is by far the best! But look out for the crash afterwards - be sure you have some Alka Seltzer Cold on hand to relieve the aches from the outlandish things you did while on the Sudafed buzz. Worth it though - the kitchen is clean but I am ready for bed at 6! I will just pour a box of cereal on the table and the kids can fend for themselves.
Some motivational comments from you might help. I know I am not the only person that reads this blog and if you would show yourself I might have more of a will to talk to someone other than myself. Not looking for conversation here, but simply the fact that this isnt the lone blogger.
By the way - as far as cold medicines goes - Advil Sinus with the real Sudafed in it is by far the best! But look out for the crash afterwards - be sure you have some Alka Seltzer Cold on hand to relieve the aches from the outlandish things you did while on the Sudafed buzz. Worth it though - the kitchen is clean but I am ready for bed at 6! I will just pour a box of cereal on the table and the kids can fend for themselves.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Just something new
I just have to post something new to get rid of all of the ads on the side that are applicable to the topic of the post and if you read the prior post you can see what it was. I cant repeat it here or I will get the same ads and be itching again.
We will just mention roses, and puppies, and beaches, boats and fairies.
Not done with my nervous breakdown yet, so will update later.
Everyone is sick, including me and the dog! Laundry is done, but the rain has brought mud which makes muddy paws which then makes muddy floors.
Wahhoooo.
We will just mention roses, and puppies, and beaches, boats and fairies.
Not done with my nervous breakdown yet, so will update later.
Everyone is sick, including me and the dog! Laundry is done, but the rain has brought mud which makes muddy paws which then makes muddy floors.
Wahhoooo.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
The Itchy and Scratchy show
Lice, thats right, I said it. Lice. Just makes you itch all over thinking about the little buggers. Crawling, breeding, laying their nasty white sticky eggs that HATCH in your HAIR. eeeeeeeeeck.
I am lucky that this is our first go at it having 3 kids in pre-school and daycare and now grade school, so I am not completely complaining! Today started out pretty bad with horns having a colossal breakdown of epic proportions! The girl is only 6 and she has already started screaming I HATE YOU! YOU ARE A MEANIE! So, this is just swell. Morning starts out like this so I am online searching for boarding schools that start at 1st grade b/c if this continues someone has got to go. But I guess if it means me, I could get some cool uptown apartment and be a city dweller part-time and drive a SmartCar or Vespa or something chic like that. And then we can switch off - say every other week or every 2 weeks? Not sure, but it sounds like a fun possibility!
So, that was the morning that set me off on the wrong feet, legs and torso. So she is LUCKY to have come home with lice otherwise her next 3 days were going to be spent as Cinderella around here and she was going to find a newly decorated bedroom of....nothing.
Anyhow, we get some RID and start the 3 step process. Step 1 - put this shampoo on dry hair from the ends up, every last strand of it, then wet it slightly, lather and rinse. Step 2 - tie up hair in sections like at the hair salon (having just been there I now know how this works) coat the hair in 1 inch sections, from the root out, with this gel and use the cool little lice comb/shovel thing to run in through the gel and 'capture' the nits. Now, lets talk about the word nits - this also makes you just itch all over. My nose hairs even itch now! Every little wisp of hair that touches my face or neck is a nit I swear! Even the hairs on my arms itch. Ok, back on task. Comb through and capture nits and wipe them on a tissue and throw out tissues. I luckily only found TWO but still had to do all of the hair. This little step took over an hour for my child that barely has enough hair to fill a barrette! I pray for parents with kids that have a real head of hair or worse the ones I know whose kids already have body hair!!! ;) I can just see combing through my kids back hair for lice! PAR-TAY! OK, after the gel you rinse and wash again and rinse and you are off and have to repeat in 7 days.
Step 3 is almost the worst part - the house. Now everything I look at looks like it could host a million NITS or flying lice! And then you have the people who go off and tell you that lice can live on your furniture for up to 2 weeks. SHUT UP people. Actually not true but once someone says it you have to take it into account at least a little bit, OR think about it every other second. So, I am on my 8th load of laundry with about 12 more in the queue. Those are quarantined in the garage as to not mix with the sanitized items. All of the rugs and pillows are in bags in the garage. I am scared to even do my own room. I never really did love this house, so maybe now is a good time to sell it fully furnished, clothed, and laundry-a-go-go.
While all of that is brewing I set out for more treatment to be pro-active on the other girls when they get home. Trip to People's Pharmacy and the kids cuts place we are about $120 in on hair lice treatment and preventative shampoo, spray, etc.
OH, I forgot to mention that the very first place the dirty girl went when she got home was into our bed!!! WTF? This never, I mean - NEVER happens. They try to get on my bed after bath but rarely make it past...'Don't you....' So, why on earth would she decide to run straight into our room and jump on the bed?
Because she really does in fact hate me. And will figure out for the rest of her life how to make sure there is no doubt in my mind that she is serious about this! Because once she sets her mind to something she has to win no matter what - like the lice....now she isnt punished for 3 days like I said she would be! Clever little bugger!
I am lucky that this is our first go at it having 3 kids in pre-school and daycare and now grade school, so I am not completely complaining! Today started out pretty bad with horns having a colossal breakdown of epic proportions! The girl is only 6 and she has already started screaming I HATE YOU! YOU ARE A MEANIE! So, this is just swell. Morning starts out like this so I am online searching for boarding schools that start at 1st grade b/c if this continues someone has got to go. But I guess if it means me, I could get some cool uptown apartment and be a city dweller part-time and drive a SmartCar or Vespa or something chic like that. And then we can switch off - say every other week or every 2 weeks? Not sure, but it sounds like a fun possibility!
So, that was the morning that set me off on the wrong feet, legs and torso. So she is LUCKY to have come home with lice otherwise her next 3 days were going to be spent as Cinderella around here and she was going to find a newly decorated bedroom of....nothing.
Anyhow, we get some RID and start the 3 step process. Step 1 - put this shampoo on dry hair from the ends up, every last strand of it, then wet it slightly, lather and rinse. Step 2 - tie up hair in sections like at the hair salon (having just been there I now know how this works) coat the hair in 1 inch sections, from the root out, with this gel and use the cool little lice comb/shovel thing to run in through the gel and 'capture' the nits. Now, lets talk about the word nits - this also makes you just itch all over. My nose hairs even itch now! Every little wisp of hair that touches my face or neck is a nit I swear! Even the hairs on my arms itch. Ok, back on task. Comb through and capture nits and wipe them on a tissue and throw out tissues. I luckily only found TWO but still had to do all of the hair. This little step took over an hour for my child that barely has enough hair to fill a barrette! I pray for parents with kids that have a real head of hair or worse the ones I know whose kids already have body hair!!! ;) I can just see combing through my kids back hair for lice! PAR-TAY! OK, after the gel you rinse and wash again and rinse and you are off and have to repeat in 7 days.
Step 3 is almost the worst part - the house. Now everything I look at looks like it could host a million NITS or flying lice! And then you have the people who go off and tell you that lice can live on your furniture for up to 2 weeks. SHUT UP people. Actually not true but once someone says it you have to take it into account at least a little bit, OR think about it every other second. So, I am on my 8th load of laundry with about 12 more in the queue. Those are quarantined in the garage as to not mix with the sanitized items. All of the rugs and pillows are in bags in the garage. I am scared to even do my own room. I never really did love this house, so maybe now is a good time to sell it fully furnished, clothed, and laundry-a-go-go.
While all of that is brewing I set out for more treatment to be pro-active on the other girls when they get home. Trip to People's Pharmacy and the kids cuts place we are about $120 in on hair lice treatment and preventative shampoo, spray, etc.
OH, I forgot to mention that the very first place the dirty girl went when she got home was into our bed!!! WTF? This never, I mean - NEVER happens. They try to get on my bed after bath but rarely make it past...'Don't you....' So, why on earth would she decide to run straight into our room and jump on the bed?
Because she really does in fact hate me. And will figure out for the rest of her life how to make sure there is no doubt in my mind that she is serious about this! Because once she sets her mind to something she has to win no matter what - like the lice....now she isnt punished for 3 days like I said she would be! Clever little bugger!
Monday, September 21, 2009
Poker Chips
I am not sure if this will encourage gambling, bartering and bargaining but I am trying everything out.
I have created a store in the guest room to sell my children their things back. If they leave them lying around, fight over them, or dont take care of them they go into the store. I used to have the 'toy jail' and they would earn it back but this fizzled - was too hard. I pick up so much of their crap that I also started to just throw things away which would then create another internal battle for myself. I have thoughtfully shopped for or they have received most of these things as gifts and I cant just throw them away, so I would put them into bins and then just rotate the toys. Well this didnt necessarily teach them anything and actually most of the time they never knew it was gone. Now, that tells you something right there - TOO MANY TOYS!
Well, I come from a long line of toy lovers. I remember my Grandmother used to take us to PlayVille in Mandeville and she always said she wanted to buy the place. Well, it is still there and when I pass it I always wish she had. I can never pass by those hometown toy stores, they always have the good stuff. Let me just clarify though that $30 is too much for a Jack in the Box! And the Back to Basics Toy Catalog is like reading People Magazine to me - relaxing and nostalgic!
Oh, back to the point here. For everything nice they do, and I mean everything, I give them a blue or green chip. Saying yes ma'am, please, thank you, sharing, eating, playing nice, even smiling on the car ride to school or thinking about doing something nice. For anything mean I give a red chip which takes away 2 blue chips. I take their stuff away, put it in the room and almost every day they get to 'shop' for their stuff. Now the older one has figured out the bargaining thing b/c she ends up with a lot fewer chips. 'If I buy this with one chip can I have the accessories and house and car that go with it for just one more chip?' Actually, the very first trip to the store she ended up with no chips b/c her red outweighed her blue. This was devastating but I had to stick to my guns and let her watch the younger one shop to her hearts content. What was awesome was that halo gave horns some of her chips b/c she felt so bad AND she couldnt even spend them all.
Sorry, let me elaborate on that one - we endearingly call the 2 older girls horns and halo b/c one is the spawn of satin sometimes and the other is a cherub angel about to sprout wings. So naturally horns gets a lot more red chips than halo does. EVERY time! And on Christmas morning Halo is the one to open a gift and play with it and not really care that there are 20 more to open. Horns wants to tear through as many as she can as fast as possible.
So each time we go up there Halo cant even spend all of her tokens b/c she already has enough to satisfy herself. I even started bundling stuff so they could get more for the money. Like 4 books per chip or a whole box of dolls is one chip but no, she just wants the one. "Is that OK" she asks in her sweet high pitched Shirley Temple voice. Meanwhile Horns is waiting outside the door with her brass knuckels ready to hijack her winnings. Just kidding......she doesnt have brass knuckles.
If we can get anything out of it hopefully the reward/consequence will set in. Horns has actually figured out how to buy things that belong to Halo. Tricky little bugger.
I have created a store in the guest room to sell my children their things back. If they leave them lying around, fight over them, or dont take care of them they go into the store. I used to have the 'toy jail' and they would earn it back but this fizzled - was too hard. I pick up so much of their crap that I also started to just throw things away which would then create another internal battle for myself. I have thoughtfully shopped for or they have received most of these things as gifts and I cant just throw them away, so I would put them into bins and then just rotate the toys. Well this didnt necessarily teach them anything and actually most of the time they never knew it was gone. Now, that tells you something right there - TOO MANY TOYS!
Well, I come from a long line of toy lovers. I remember my Grandmother used to take us to PlayVille in Mandeville and she always said she wanted to buy the place. Well, it is still there and when I pass it I always wish she had. I can never pass by those hometown toy stores, they always have the good stuff. Let me just clarify though that $30 is too much for a Jack in the Box! And the Back to Basics Toy Catalog is like reading People Magazine to me - relaxing and nostalgic!
Oh, back to the point here. For everything nice they do, and I mean everything, I give them a blue or green chip. Saying yes ma'am, please, thank you, sharing, eating, playing nice, even smiling on the car ride to school or thinking about doing something nice. For anything mean I give a red chip which takes away 2 blue chips. I take their stuff away, put it in the room and almost every day they get to 'shop' for their stuff. Now the older one has figured out the bargaining thing b/c she ends up with a lot fewer chips. 'If I buy this with one chip can I have the accessories and house and car that go with it for just one more chip?' Actually, the very first trip to the store she ended up with no chips b/c her red outweighed her blue. This was devastating but I had to stick to my guns and let her watch the younger one shop to her hearts content. What was awesome was that halo gave horns some of her chips b/c she felt so bad AND she couldnt even spend them all.
Sorry, let me elaborate on that one - we endearingly call the 2 older girls horns and halo b/c one is the spawn of satin sometimes and the other is a cherub angel about to sprout wings. So naturally horns gets a lot more red chips than halo does. EVERY time! And on Christmas morning Halo is the one to open a gift and play with it and not really care that there are 20 more to open. Horns wants to tear through as many as she can as fast as possible.
So each time we go up there Halo cant even spend all of her tokens b/c she already has enough to satisfy herself. I even started bundling stuff so they could get more for the money. Like 4 books per chip or a whole box of dolls is one chip but no, she just wants the one. "Is that OK" she asks in her sweet high pitched Shirley Temple voice. Meanwhile Horns is waiting outside the door with her brass knuckels ready to hijack her winnings. Just kidding......she doesnt have brass knuckles.
If we can get anything out of it hopefully the reward/consequence will set in. Horns has actually figured out how to buy things that belong to Halo. Tricky little bugger.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Broken Toe
How sad that I have been too busy for a post since Tuesday? There goes your theory H that I have TOO much time on my hands and I am sitting around eating Bon Bons floating in the pool with an assistant taking my calls! (by the way, I have been meaning to talk to you about your slacking in that area) You know you have logged into this looking for something new and fresh for the Jster! :)
OK, so I am sure I broke my toe. And not like the time I was doing my floor routine during the Olympics b/c I was so inspired and wanted to prove to Randy that I could do a cartwheel and ended up with a limp.....broken toe...maybe sprained.
So a few weeks ago a pair of scissors feel off the counter onto my foot (yes, this is going to be exciting....but dont pass on a hot date to read it) and basically I should have just stabbed myself in the toe with a fruit knife b/c all of a sudden there is blood everywhere and I have no idea if I have a full toe left or not. So I wrap it up as tight as I can to stop the bleeding and not pass out. And then I went to bed. The next day I am getting dressed to go to work and I cant even walk on that foot and have a limp like the war veterans begging for money at the corner of 71 and 290. I took off the old bandaid, sprayed it with windex and put on a new bandaid....but couldnt walk right nor put on a pair of closed toed shoes or anything with a heel that would put me into adulthood so I was forced to wear my 'fancy' flip flops with work pants - boy was I dressed to impress that day!
So it throbs throughout the day and I just left the bandaid on afraid to see what portion of the toe was cut off. What I should have done is taken an inventory during the floor clean up to see what was left behind and not attached. So drinking is really the only option to get me through the mourning and through until the morning.
Wow, who knew I could get 3 paragraphs from the toe incident. But basically to put you out of your misery and get to a point it has been 3 weeks and the toe is still not right. The worst part really is that I havent had a pedicure because I dont want to get Cancer or swine flu from the pedi-cest-bath touching my festering wound. So today I took out all of the pedi materials to attempt to take off the 12 layers of color I have been coating on to get by and I guess I must have left the pedi materials strewn about the bathroom floor b/c just a little while ago after a few adult beverages I stepped on....tripped over.....fumbled ....whatever you want to say over one tiny polish bottle on the floor and I think I broke the side of my foot, 1 toe, and tore a ligament in my shoulder. Man is sucks getting old.
I guess I will know in the morning if I will make it through - right after one of the offspring grabs the arm that is usually hanging off of the bed (probably the one with the broken ligaments) and then jumps on the bed and takes off my eye patch, all the while smiling happily b/c THEY are morning people and havent yet learned (which for survival purposes they should) that I am not......INSTEAD of being queit as a mouse and making their own breakfast, changing the baby's diaper and then headed upstairs to watch TV quietly!! I am not asking a lot I think. Now, if I were to add that they should bring mommy some ice water and excederin THEN I am pushing it.
ANYHOW, I digress - so I think the toe was the topic and the closing will be that the girls need to learn to get everything all taken care of before even talking to me in the morning. I will write an instruction manual on that one and maybe the 6 year old readers of the world will proactively buy it and follow it for a surpise mothers day gift!!!
Cheers
OK, so I am sure I broke my toe. And not like the time I was doing my floor routine during the Olympics b/c I was so inspired and wanted to prove to Randy that I could do a cartwheel and ended up with a limp.....broken toe...maybe sprained.
So a few weeks ago a pair of scissors feel off the counter onto my foot (yes, this is going to be exciting....but dont pass on a hot date to read it) and basically I should have just stabbed myself in the toe with a fruit knife b/c all of a sudden there is blood everywhere and I have no idea if I have a full toe left or not. So I wrap it up as tight as I can to stop the bleeding and not pass out. And then I went to bed. The next day I am getting dressed to go to work and I cant even walk on that foot and have a limp like the war veterans begging for money at the corner of 71 and 290. I took off the old bandaid, sprayed it with windex and put on a new bandaid....but couldnt walk right nor put on a pair of closed toed shoes or anything with a heel that would put me into adulthood so I was forced to wear my 'fancy' flip flops with work pants - boy was I dressed to impress that day!
So it throbs throughout the day and I just left the bandaid on afraid to see what portion of the toe was cut off. What I should have done is taken an inventory during the floor clean up to see what was left behind and not attached. So drinking is really the only option to get me through the mourning and through until the morning.
Wow, who knew I could get 3 paragraphs from the toe incident. But basically to put you out of your misery and get to a point it has been 3 weeks and the toe is still not right. The worst part really is that I havent had a pedicure because I dont want to get Cancer or swine flu from the pedi-cest-bath touching my festering wound. So today I took out all of the pedi materials to attempt to take off the 12 layers of color I have been coating on to get by and I guess I must have left the pedi materials strewn about the bathroom floor b/c just a little while ago after a few adult beverages I stepped on....tripped over.....fumbled ....whatever you want to say over one tiny polish bottle on the floor and I think I broke the side of my foot, 1 toe, and tore a ligament in my shoulder. Man is sucks getting old.
I guess I will know in the morning if I will make it through - right after one of the offspring grabs the arm that is usually hanging off of the bed (probably the one with the broken ligaments) and then jumps on the bed and takes off my eye patch, all the while smiling happily b/c THEY are morning people and havent yet learned (which for survival purposes they should) that I am not......INSTEAD of being queit as a mouse and making their own breakfast, changing the baby's diaper and then headed upstairs to watch TV quietly!! I am not asking a lot I think. Now, if I were to add that they should bring mommy some ice water and excederin THEN I am pushing it.
ANYHOW, I digress - so I think the toe was the topic and the closing will be that the girls need to learn to get everything all taken care of before even talking to me in the morning. I will write an instruction manual on that one and maybe the 6 year old readers of the world will proactively buy it and follow it for a surpise mothers day gift!!!
Cheers
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Mane Tamer
OK, so I just spent 2 hours at the hair salon to get my hair chemically straightened. The first 10 minutes the lady answered the phone - no kidding - 4 times. One after the other. Does she not have an ANSWERING machine? The name indicates that this would be a MACHINE that AUTOMATICALLY answers the phone for you so you can PAY ATTENTION to the person in front of you! The person being me, who is already worried that she isnt reading the label right and I will have clumps of my hair washed down the drain while she is on the phone......I thought about offering a tutorial on this new fandangled machine but we did finally make it out of the wash basin to the dryer. I am worried this whole time that I am there too long, my hair under this plastic is going to com-bust and then be permanently part plastic!
Oh, let me back up a second and clarify my salon experiences. Very limited. I had a perm when I was 10 and probably because that was such a train wreck, I have never, ever, not even once since then have done any chemical anything to my hair. So, basically this whole thing freaks me out and I am worried I will just end up bald. So to add to the stress of this decision I am talking to a friend on the way over who says "you researched it right? What did the reviews say" NO, I didnt look it up like I do most things - even the brand of diapers and soap I use!!!! So, I did a very brief phone internet look up and found goose egg, nothing, nada, donut. Oh well, I am wild and crazy like that, living by the seat of my pants. This is the only 2 hours I will have to myself for another month, why not spend it ruining my OK hair.
I digress (shocking). So, we moved to the dryer. Wasnt too long even for ADD, impatient me. Back over to rinse then to the chair for the 'treatment'. Before making the appointment when I quizzed her about every aspect of this process one thing I do remember her telling me was that the new and improved product didnt have the nasty chemical toxic smell that makes your eyes water, your skin burn, and your nose hairs curl. Well, I guess she was misinformed b/c even just taking the top off of the 4oz squeeze bottle with the minor 1cm opening filled the room, or at least MY area of the room, with that special odor of blue-hair salon color/perm/nail fillings. She says "well, I guess this one does have a little smell" A LITTLE - clearly she has sniffed too much of it in her career. Of course, my first question is 'when can I wash my hair?'
Im in it to win it now, no going back. My favorite part about any hair place is how they brush your hair and how they section it off not to leave any child behind. So, I am all sectioned off and she is applying away in between phone calls. Again, I am thinking 'what is going to happen if this is on too long or she really gets side-tracked by some crazy call......like maybe she is running a 900 number on the side...' So half-way through the application a beautiful, custom paint job, Alfa Spider pulls up and the guy comes in. Before he opens the door she says very annoyed (while on the phone) "he is lost, they always are" Ya think???!!! He comes in with his papers in his hand and she doesnt even turn around and hanging up the phone says curtly "can I help you?" Well, yes he is lost looking for an address of a lawn and garden service - he holds up his map and says it is right around here somewhere. We are both telling him there are no other businesses for miles and he says holding up his papers "it says right here they have 70 employees" So, he wants to use the phone but (shocking) it is ringing at the time so he has to wait for the operator to get off of the phone. So he is just standing there looking at the papers as if maybe he missed something in the 4 word address!
So, lets go back a second - this man is probably late 50s or so and from the front he clearly has an artificial head of hair (rug) and from the side it does blend nicely and from the back you cant tell at all. The very first thing I think even before he came in and knowing he was lost was 'you are driving an Alfa Romeo and 1) you dont have a cell phone? and 2) didnt the car come with either a cool thing called NAVIGATION or maybe a button where you can talk to a nice lady named Candy who will walk you to your destination and C) What in the world are you doing looking for a 'lawn service' way the hell out here? Im thinking it wasnt exactly a 'lawn service' but more of a 'happy ending' service!!!
So, back to my hair. Nothing much to report on the process except the cool odor, the lady, the guy, his car and the fact that I just gave up 2 hours and paid $140 for a smell and some major dryness added to my hair. As my husband says - dont fix what aint broke and I just needed something to complain about!!!
Oh, let me back up a second and clarify my salon experiences. Very limited. I had a perm when I was 10 and probably because that was such a train wreck, I have never, ever, not even once since then have done any chemical anything to my hair. So, basically this whole thing freaks me out and I am worried I will just end up bald. So to add to the stress of this decision I am talking to a friend on the way over who says "you researched it right? What did the reviews say" NO, I didnt look it up like I do most things - even the brand of diapers and soap I use!!!! So, I did a very brief phone internet look up and found goose egg, nothing, nada, donut. Oh well, I am wild and crazy like that, living by the seat of my pants. This is the only 2 hours I will have to myself for another month, why not spend it ruining my OK hair.
I digress (shocking). So, we moved to the dryer. Wasnt too long even for ADD, impatient me. Back over to rinse then to the chair for the 'treatment'. Before making the appointment when I quizzed her about every aspect of this process one thing I do remember her telling me was that the new and improved product didnt have the nasty chemical toxic smell that makes your eyes water, your skin burn, and your nose hairs curl. Well, I guess she was misinformed b/c even just taking the top off of the 4oz squeeze bottle with the minor 1cm opening filled the room, or at least MY area of the room, with that special odor of blue-hair salon color/perm/nail fillings. She says "well, I guess this one does have a little smell" A LITTLE - clearly she has sniffed too much of it in her career. Of course, my first question is 'when can I wash my hair?'
Im in it to win it now, no going back. My favorite part about any hair place is how they brush your hair and how they section it off not to leave any child behind. So, I am all sectioned off and she is applying away in between phone calls. Again, I am thinking 'what is going to happen if this is on too long or she really gets side-tracked by some crazy call......like maybe she is running a 900 number on the side...' So half-way through the application a beautiful, custom paint job, Alfa Spider pulls up and the guy comes in. Before he opens the door she says very annoyed (while on the phone) "he is lost, they always are" Ya think???!!! He comes in with his papers in his hand and she doesnt even turn around and hanging up the phone says curtly "can I help you?" Well, yes he is lost looking for an address of a lawn and garden service - he holds up his map and says it is right around here somewhere. We are both telling him there are no other businesses for miles and he says holding up his papers "it says right here they have 70 employees" So, he wants to use the phone but (shocking) it is ringing at the time so he has to wait for the operator to get off of the phone. So he is just standing there looking at the papers as if maybe he missed something in the 4 word address!
So, lets go back a second - this man is probably late 50s or so and from the front he clearly has an artificial head of hair (rug) and from the side it does blend nicely and from the back you cant tell at all. The very first thing I think even before he came in and knowing he was lost was 'you are driving an Alfa Romeo and 1) you dont have a cell phone? and 2) didnt the car come with either a cool thing called NAVIGATION or maybe a button where you can talk to a nice lady named Candy who will walk you to your destination and C) What in the world are you doing looking for a 'lawn service' way the hell out here? Im thinking it wasnt exactly a 'lawn service' but more of a 'happy ending' service!!!
So, back to my hair. Nothing much to report on the process except the cool odor, the lady, the guy, his car and the fact that I just gave up 2 hours and paid $140 for a smell and some major dryness added to my hair. As my husband says - dont fix what aint broke and I just needed something to complain about!!!
Monday, September 14, 2009
Bad Face Day
So I am buying a pair of shoes and the lady behind the counter says how cute they are and she has a pair almost exactly like them then she looks at me and says "Well, we're about the same age right? Early-Mid 40s?" Huh? Whats that you said? Do I just agree? Do I punch her in the face? Do I wait for her in the alley and ram her car? Do I politely say "huh, 50s? No, Im not 50 yet honey" But the simple humiliating response of my real age of 35 was completely sufficient. She covered her face with the shoes and just shook her head.
And I am thinking YEAH DUMBASS, you feel stupid dont you? What kind of thing is that to say - you never EVER ever guess someones age or weight unless you are going to pad it and in the SMALLER direction!!! You have probably asked someone when they are due before too! Or maybe said in a friendly concerned way "you look like you could stand to lose 10-15 pounds, here's my secret" WTF?
So, of course I get a good look at her and take note of every wrinkle and crevice and crows foot on her face and then get back to the car and inspect my own reflection in comparison. Yeah, I dont look so great for 35. I am much to young to feel and look this damn old. Its a country song with a little additives for the girls! But these kids will put some miles on you I tell you!
So, I did a nice exfoliating mask and some elastin, cologen something or other I have under the sink.....this should be my first clue that most of this stuff is probably expired and I dont regularly put ANYTHING on my face and so HELLOOOOOO maybe I should look into it!
But then that would make me have analysis peralysis on trying to choose the right skincare product without doing it by the ads or marketing of it. You think that if it costs more certainly it must be rreeeeeeeaaally good and then I say forget that I aint spending that kind of money of LOTION! I can just listen to my 40yr old looking mom and put olive oil on it! Or the guy from My Big Fat Greek Wedding and use Windex!
And I am thinking YEAH DUMBASS, you feel stupid dont you? What kind of thing is that to say - you never EVER ever guess someones age or weight unless you are going to pad it and in the SMALLER direction!!! You have probably asked someone when they are due before too! Or maybe said in a friendly concerned way "you look like you could stand to lose 10-15 pounds, here's my secret" WTF?
So, of course I get a good look at her and take note of every wrinkle and crevice and crows foot on her face and then get back to the car and inspect my own reflection in comparison. Yeah, I dont look so great for 35. I am much to young to feel and look this damn old. Its a country song with a little additives for the girls! But these kids will put some miles on you I tell you!
So, I did a nice exfoliating mask and some elastin, cologen something or other I have under the sink.....this should be my first clue that most of this stuff is probably expired and I dont regularly put ANYTHING on my face and so HELLOOOOOO maybe I should look into it!
But then that would make me have analysis peralysis on trying to choose the right skincare product without doing it by the ads or marketing of it. You think that if it costs more certainly it must be rreeeeeeeaaally good and then I say forget that I aint spending that kind of money of LOTION! I can just listen to my 40yr old looking mom and put olive oil on it! Or the guy from My Big Fat Greek Wedding and use Windex!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Man vs Wild - I dont get it
So I have seen a few episodes of this show where the guy goes out into the wild and has to 'survive' and the while being filmed for the show. I saw him drink his own urine and then use the rest to put on a shirt and wrap around his neck to stay cool. What I cant help but wonder is - did the camera and production crew do this too to stay alive or did they simply reach into the crew cooler and just simply pop open a store bought bottle of water.
He shows himself near death from starvation or dehydration or overheating meanwhile the director is probably hovering in an air conditioned heli copter with internet access and a bathroom. If I were near death I am pretty sure I would just say 'cut'. And who are these film people who would just watch this horrible manifestation of near death and not offer a brother a bone - literally a bone - I saw him once eat the nasty marrow out of a random bone. This could have been a human bone, a bone from a small child - we really dont know. Not to mention what kind of possible blood diseases this person or animal was carrying in their marrow.
I guess it did get me to watch and even post on it so this is merely the goal of the show is for viewers sick curiosity like slowing down to check out a car accident.
Im no movie or TV show producer nor do I play one on TV but I did switch to GEICO and am saving 15% on my car insurance.
He shows himself near death from starvation or dehydration or overheating meanwhile the director is probably hovering in an air conditioned heli copter with internet access and a bathroom. If I were near death I am pretty sure I would just say 'cut'. And who are these film people who would just watch this horrible manifestation of near death and not offer a brother a bone - literally a bone - I saw him once eat the nasty marrow out of a random bone. This could have been a human bone, a bone from a small child - we really dont know. Not to mention what kind of possible blood diseases this person or animal was carrying in their marrow.
I guess it did get me to watch and even post on it so this is merely the goal of the show is for viewers sick curiosity like slowing down to check out a car accident.
Im no movie or TV show producer nor do I play one on TV but I did switch to GEICO and am saving 15% on my car insurance.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Cleanin Up
So on Thursday we are heading to school and Thing 1 sees the prisoners on the side of the road picking up trash and says "when can we pick up trash?" " I mean not on the road but somewhere more safe." I am thinking of saying 'you will pick up a lot of trash in an orange jumpsuit if you dont stay in school and say yes ma'am and no ma'am' but I refrain from that little jab and say we will do it soon. And low and behold today after dropping them off on the radio was a guy talking about the annual Keep Austin Beautiful lake clean-up. PERFECT! So I get home and send an email out to the whole school to see who wants to chip in for their earthly duties. Very good response......at first. Then came the rain. Since most human flesh melts in the rain or at least stings a lot we had some fall out. But not the troopers! Whealtons and PatieKate were all over it! Besides, what is all of this cute rain gear for anyhow if not to be out in the rain?
So we suit up and head out. (I make this sound like a quick grab your purse and get in the car when it was about a 30 minute gathering of duds) I am equipped with 1.5 pairs of kids cotton gloves, 1 pair of kids mittens (not matching) 4 kids rain coats, 1 kids umbrellas, 2 regular size umbrellas, 2 large golf umbrellas, 2 adult 'rain' coats, hiking boots for me, rubber boots for #1 & #2 and cowboy boots for #3. Yes, we have the melting stinging skin as well.
Step 1 - get out of car and get gear on - this was about 15 minutes - and it wasnt even raining anymore!
Step 2 - Pictures to have proof of goodwill AND to get Ellen into the volunteer party at Carlos and Charlies tomorrow
Step 3 - Slosh our way through park towards shoreline picking up trash.
At first we were a little disappointed in the lack of trash in the park - maybe the team has already been here? THEN the motherlode #1 - fireworks...which if you havent tried cleaning up the tiny shreds of paper left over from fireworks when dry you should for sure try doing it when they are wet! Onward down the slope toward the marshland once called Lake Travis. This was tantrum #4 already for tike #3 -She wanted MY hand to hold while walking down the rocks. (The first 3 fits were somewhere along the way and behind me but I did hear the squeals and shrills. )
Now the marshland was pretty interesting - aside from the odor, there was some cool plant life - some nice ground cover that I would love to have in my yard and thought about taking some home but as the smart teacher Pattie pointed out.....since it was underwater it probably needs lots of water. Way to burst my bubble!!! Also the ground had gotten so dry it cracked into these segments with deep crevices in between each one like tiny islands. Cracks big enough for tiny feet to fit in which made for a fun trek across the cracks to the next island where the mother lode of trash awaited. There were about a bazillion spiders in the crevices. Every time I picked something up, something under or next to it would move.......eeeeeeck. I am pleasantly surprised the prissy #1 didn't notice that and stop picking up.....but HEY - this was HER idea!!!
So many treasures below the sea! I had a rope that I was pulling up b/c I am sure at the end of it was tied a trunk full of treasure, but after 1200 yards or so I could pull no more and,,,,it led into the muck where I would surely be sucked in - leaving my poor children to fend for themselves. Which apparently they aren't too good at from the whines and cries during up and down the slope and slipping in the mud, etc. Where is the adventure people?
I am sorry I missed this one but it was a highlight - Gracie's boot got sucked into the swamp. So she just kept walking in the mud in her socks leaving them behind! Now this is taking advantage of the one time they have full permission to get as muddy as possible (which SOMEONE made into a competition) But we shortly proved that in reality #1 and #3 really cant stand to be dirty at ALL. So once the gloves had soiled, it was all over. And actually I think once she realized her hair wasn't perfect anymore and there was dirt on her face it was time to cry.
I am relieved we didn't run into any inappropriate non-child friendly items! Or at least if we did we didn't know it b/c of the wet and mud. I hear they found a body or 2 last year!
So when we are leaving and I am praising the girls for doing a good thing #1 says "Are Jesus and Santa watching and happy with us too?" The other commentary was "It is nice to pick up trash but next time I don't want to do it if it is wet and dirty" I will be sure to look for some clean and dry trash to pick up!
Phew, that is a long one, I need to work on the brevity - something I am not good at unless texting!
So we suit up and head out. (I make this sound like a quick grab your purse and get in the car when it was about a 30 minute gathering of duds) I am equipped with 1.5 pairs of kids cotton gloves, 1 pair of kids mittens (not matching) 4 kids rain coats, 1 kids umbrellas, 2 regular size umbrellas, 2 large golf umbrellas, 2 adult 'rain' coats, hiking boots for me, rubber boots for #1 & #2 and cowboy boots for #3. Yes, we have the melting stinging skin as well.
Step 1 - get out of car and get gear on - this was about 15 minutes - and it wasnt even raining anymore!
Step 2 - Pictures to have proof of goodwill AND to get Ellen into the volunteer party at Carlos and Charlies tomorrow
Step 3 - Slosh our way through park towards shoreline picking up trash.
At first we were a little disappointed in the lack of trash in the park - maybe the team has already been here? THEN the motherlode #1 - fireworks...which if you havent tried cleaning up the tiny shreds of paper left over from fireworks when dry you should for sure try doing it when they are wet! Onward down the slope toward the marshland once called Lake Travis. This was tantrum #4 already for tike #3 -She wanted MY hand to hold while walking down the rocks. (The first 3 fits were somewhere along the way and behind me but I did hear the squeals and shrills. )
Now the marshland was pretty interesting - aside from the odor, there was some cool plant life - some nice ground cover that I would love to have in my yard and thought about taking some home but as the smart teacher Pattie pointed out.....since it was underwater it probably needs lots of water. Way to burst my bubble!!! Also the ground had gotten so dry it cracked into these segments with deep crevices in between each one like tiny islands. Cracks big enough for tiny feet to fit in which made for a fun trek across the cracks to the next island where the mother lode of trash awaited. There were about a bazillion spiders in the crevices. Every time I picked something up, something under or next to it would move.......eeeeeeck. I am pleasantly surprised the prissy #1 didn't notice that and stop picking up.....but HEY - this was HER idea!!!
So many treasures below the sea! I had a rope that I was pulling up b/c I am sure at the end of it was tied a trunk full of treasure, but after 1200 yards or so I could pull no more and,,,,it led into the muck where I would surely be sucked in - leaving my poor children to fend for themselves. Which apparently they aren't too good at from the whines and cries during up and down the slope and slipping in the mud, etc. Where is the adventure people?
I am sorry I missed this one but it was a highlight - Gracie's boot got sucked into the swamp. So she just kept walking in the mud in her socks leaving them behind! Now this is taking advantage of the one time they have full permission to get as muddy as possible (which SOMEONE made into a competition) But we shortly proved that in reality #1 and #3 really cant stand to be dirty at ALL. So once the gloves had soiled, it was all over. And actually I think once she realized her hair wasn't perfect anymore and there was dirt on her face it was time to cry.
I am relieved we didn't run into any inappropriate non-child friendly items! Or at least if we did we didn't know it b/c of the wet and mud. I hear they found a body or 2 last year!
So when we are leaving and I am praising the girls for doing a good thing #1 says "Are Jesus and Santa watching and happy with us too?" The other commentary was "It is nice to pick up trash but next time I don't want to do it if it is wet and dirty" I will be sure to look for some clean and dry trash to pick up!
Phew, that is a long one, I need to work on the brevity - something I am not good at unless texting!
Blame it on Dew-Wayne
Yeahhh, Yeahhh. Its raining, Its raining.... I love the sound of the rain and the thunder (thunner as Shelby says) is even better. HOWEVER, today is the lake clean up that I have recruited about 8 people and their children to go so the kids can splash and wear their rain-gear while doing something nice but Im not so skippy this morning to go out there. Maybe a bloody Mary or 3 will change my mind. Then there is the whole driving thing. Gracie grew an inch last year, when else would be a better time to teach her how to drive than when I am drunk and it is raining?
OK, stay tuned for that or a call to bail me out.
OK, stay tuned for that or a call to bail me out.
Friday, September 11, 2009
What do you call a Deer with no Eyes?
I have no Eye Deer! Get it? HA. What about a fish with no eyes? FSH! ah ha ha HA. Hearing my 4 year old tell it is much more entertaining and phunny!
Oh boy, a blog. What is a blog anyhow? Who came up with that word? I am sure the google can tell me, but I am too busy typing to go check it out. Let me know would ya?
So, I post on facebook my punchy thoughts and often I just dont have enough space to really tell the whole story so this should be fun and probably WAY too much information for the comfort of my husband. He was convinced I was going to talk about my period on FB! Nah, I will save that for the opening of my blog!!!
Todays funny story was a lady in the store pointed to a painting of Micheal Jackson and asked her 4 year old boy "who is that?" He looked at it inquisitively for a second and not very confidentley says "Obama?" I had to laugh out loud and really couldnt stop and almost peed my pants. But I was told by one of my OLDER friends when I turned 35 that people my age easily pee their pants!
So, who reads these? Only people I invite? Just me and myself, and I and my other 4 personalities? I am sure someone will also tell me that.
OK, here goes....
Oh boy, a blog. What is a blog anyhow? Who came up with that word? I am sure the google can tell me, but I am too busy typing to go check it out. Let me know would ya?
So, I post on facebook my punchy thoughts and often I just dont have enough space to really tell the whole story so this should be fun and probably WAY too much information for the comfort of my husband. He was convinced I was going to talk about my period on FB! Nah, I will save that for the opening of my blog!!!
Todays funny story was a lady in the store pointed to a painting of Micheal Jackson and asked her 4 year old boy "who is that?" He looked at it inquisitively for a second and not very confidentley says "Obama?" I had to laugh out loud and really couldnt stop and almost peed my pants. But I was told by one of my OLDER friends when I turned 35 that people my age easily pee their pants!
So, who reads these? Only people I invite? Just me and myself, and I and my other 4 personalities? I am sure someone will also tell me that.
OK, here goes....
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
