OK, so the other day I am at Goodwill looking for some sort of fluffy frilly girly curtain something or other to use as the dress-up closet entrance. In the aisle next to me are 2 people who work there emptying a cart onto the shelves. They are emptying a cart full of books and movies. Every single thing that comes out of the cart becomes a story....something like “oh, the amazon – I was born in the amazon and was raised as….oh, this one is about Portugal, I am half Portuguese, my Dad was in the…oh this one is on the Circus, I just love the Circus….as I was saying my Dad was in the Circus so we traveled a lot and….oh, look my favorite book Gone with the Wind – my name is Rhett and I was actually named after Rhett Butler because….oh, and here we have Roots….I am actually half Black too…… Oh MY GOSH – it went on and on and on and ON! I was just wanting him to pick up Peter Pan or Little Mermaid to see what came next. After a mini internal laugh I started to move away and try to get away from the noise, but I could hear him from every single aisle and I got as far away as I could get.... It was time for one of those ditch the cart and just go moves. The store is better told in person with the crazy multiple personality disorder coming off of his meds but also on too much caffeine voice....if you want you can just make your own voice and go back and read that one out loud!

Stupid People

Im not highly intellectual, educationally pedigreed or related to the Queen. I don’t claim to be an expert in many or any topics nor to I claim to be any higher form of living. But somehow I ended up with this inner voice that looks people over listens to what is going on and just cant help but comment or laugh....…and hope it isn’t out loud! Certainly you know who these people are and you have run across them either directly or indirectly that just make you laugh inside... or really worry about the future of humanity.

Overheard 2 ladies talking in the thrift store. The topic was about someone who donated a bunch of clothes and not sure how the conversation got to this in 10 seconds but – her brother died of skin cancer. One lady says “yes, we have that in our family on both sides so I am always very careful. My Dad died of this and my older brother of this” The other lady counters with “yes, my brother died of cancer too but I am lucky it doesn’t run on my side of the family” Ummmmmmm – your BROTHER is your side of the family you dumbass! Are you really allowed out of the house without a helmet and sign around your neck? I really hate to know that we share the road with half-wits. Not just these but also the ones who will push and push and push on a door – even if you didn’t see it says PULL – really, it takes more than 2 pushes to try the other way? Survival of the fittest I guess!

Damn good thing we are perfect…..well I am and I know anyone who I have invited to read my blog also shares in such a class of perfectness! It is exhausting I tell you!

Women in Technology

Sorry to put a blog about work on here but I just have to get this out. I work in technology and in my particular role there are approximately 400 of us worldwide and of those there are 35 females. So a few of us thought we would put together a lunch with the 35 to network, bond and cut our hands to become blood sisters. Organize future pillow fights, and exchange recipes - you know the usual stuff girls do!

So we organize the event during our next worldwide meeting held later this month in beautiful Las Vegas. Send out the invite to the group and we get a wonderful response. Except of course ONE higher form of life ''female who responds with something like this:

"I have NEVER considered myself a minority because I am a woman working in technology. I thought I was hired as a person for my abilities and brain, not the shell of the body I am in. I just deal with things like everyone else because this is the job I am in. I don’t expect extra concessions because of being female as that is very insulting to me."

Well, actually that is EXACTLY what she sent back. And of course my first response involved things that dont translate well into an email and have lots of hand gestures and flailing about. So, since I am on the clock and on company email, I pulled my pants up and refrained from the initial response. HOWEVER - this is my own, free-form, offend who I want, non-corporate sponsored, 5th amendment right blog of all blogs! I am sure you can figure out the hand /finger motions that immediately pointed at the screen while reading the response..... to an invitation to lunch! Moving on I am forced to craft a PC response only to point out the fine print that this is not a corporate sponsored event and has nothing to do with EOE, Equal Rights, Women for the rights of road-kill, Group for banning all books and media from all schools and libraries, Radio Broadcasting for the Deaf, Drive Thru ATMs for the blind or banning religion from churches. We are just simple folk looking for a free lunch. AND, by the way Ms. 'I dont want to be treated any different than a concrete wall' we declined from sponsorship by the corporate Equality group b/c of said stigma!

I also dont expect special treatment or think I have special needs. Websters definition of a minority is : the smaller in number of two groups constituting a whole; this is just math people! We happen to be in a male-dominated field and women inherently have a different set of challenges and HEAVENS FORBID we get a gaggle together when the opportunity arises to share some useful tips and tools of survival! Oh, and by the way - we wont be offended if you decline the invitation (aka PLEASE dont come and I forgot to tell you that we moved it to Alaska in January - hope you can make it). And seriously you get an invitation to lunch and respond so rudely (see previously mentioned hand gestures) - did you just not have a mother and are taking it out on the rest of us? Get over yourself! But please dont injure the properly brought up polite young man that thinks you might appreciate or say 'thank you' if your door were opened for you! The topic did arise along the lines of equality that we not ask about family and the home unit, etc...so one person suggested maybe the option that some people are of the 'other' group (aka transgender or of the like) OK, then go visit the HR office and get yourself a different check box and a giant raise but I guarantee if we were so overly sensitive to every possible option and named the group "Vagina's in Technology" we would certainly offend more than just the one!!!! And I will be sure to make her buy her own drinks, change her own flat tire and oil, massage her own neck and open her own door even if her hands are full of bags, babies and she is balancing a variety of sports balls on her head while holding dirty cleats in her teeth (I dont say that from experience). And by no means am I suggesting that the powerful anomaly breed of women cant do all of the above and more with one hand tied behind our backs, but regardless of who opens whos door, buys the drink or changes the tire - a simple thank you is in order!

Wal-Mart Geniuses at work!

So today I go to Wal-Mart. Luckily I am already dressed for work so I am not too worried about being put up in the ‘best of’ hall of fame. I was doing just fine in the self checkout until the lady came over and said I needed ‘help’ b/c there was an error. Im not a tech school trained cash register genius but I am pretty sure I didnt need any help and if I wanted help I would have trucked my ass all the way down to the one open register with a person working it!!! On my side it was letting me checkout just fine!!! So the ‘help’ she gave me put me behind about 10 minutes – everything I scanned from that point on made it stop and need an override! Is that some sort of job security she has worked up? So I am all checked out and she has completing the process she walks back over to her ‘helper’ podium and as I start to walk away acts like we have never met before and asks to check my receipt!!!! Umm….OK – Hii…..remember me? You just did an override for 95% of the items in these TWO bags ....right over there about 2 feet from here???? Yeah, that was me – nice to see you again!

And then again, as if I look like I would steal $5 clearance items of paint by number craft items I am asked again by the door to see my receipt!!! Where were these Cartel security the day the lady didn’t scan anything on the bottom shelf of my cart? Beer, cokes, waters…… Probably about $75 worth of goods that walked out that day!!!! YES, people waiting to turn me in……I turned around and tried to pay for them but the ignoramus behind the register didn’t get it and sent me to customer service!!!! I mean, if I have to spell it out for you to take more of my money I am thinking you probably don’t deserve to have it!!!!

Is your car your space or public?

So I am at the light and next to me is a woman tweezing out her chin hairs and of course I have to double-take and look to be sure I am seeing what I am seeing and YUP that is what it was - a perfectly normal looking person just chilling at the light pulling out HER chin hairs. Now, I am not judging b/c I have a some unwanted nose hairs of my own that seem to grow to an unsightly and impossible length and thickness overnight but I dont think I would be grooming at a stop light. Sure, maybe in the Wal-Mart parking lot but not at a light with people on each side of me! So, I am feeling uncomfortable and have to act busy. But why on earth am I the uncomfortable one in this situation? Unless for some reason she thinks we cant see her just b/c she is inside of her car, if she doesnt care why should I? What I should have done, as I do for those caught picking their nose, is honk and wave. This is always fun b/c you get those who act like they arent doing anything, like they dont see you waving or just wave back like...'yeah, hi....who me? what?' or the best ones are those that are nuckle deep and arent even phased by the honking and waving of their neighboring vehicles.....hope it was a good one!

I also think I saw a lady giving herself a breast exam while driving. I cant be perfectly sure, but I know I saw nip, both hands in the air and she didn't seem to be having a good time or anything and had the position of the breast exam. My main concern here is that there were no hands on the wheel. Now there is privacy and then there is safety. But I guess if you are so busy you cant feel yourself up in the shower rather than in the car that might be the least of your worries.

I think the worst thing I have done in the 'privacy' of my car is paint my toes.

The moral of the story is that unless you have illegally dark tint on your windows or you are parked in your garage than the inside of your car is not a very private place......and spare us the public grooming. You wouldnt trim your toes at a restaurant would you? Dont answer that.

Honesty of Foreigners

So, I get a text today from a friend saying she is getting a pedicure and the lady says (out loud) 'you lazy right? you need to work on beauty more' !!!! Really? I mean there is truth serum and then there is just rude. My friend says she has the heels of an elephant so the lady was really just pissed that she had to work so hard to get them to actually look like human flesh. And she said she appreciates her frankness like the Ukrainian guy at RunTex who told her she has fat feet! I guess I am just rude when it comes to responding to such 'frankness'. I asked her if her LAZY foot reflexed into a LAZY kick in the teeth if she had a full set. And for certain my tip would have be a little 'LAZY'.... And for the running shoe guy I would have pulled out my phone and found the same shoe my fat foot was trying on at RunTex and loudly announced that Wal-Mart has the same pair on sale for $14.

Thanks J for the material! Priceless.

Did remind me of the time I was buying shoes at DSW and the lady checking me out was saying she had the same pair and for some reason kept talking and looked at me and said "oh, well we are probably the same age anyhow - Mid 40s?" As I tell her I am 35 and I must not have looked in the mirror that morning and was probably just having a bad face day if I looked near her age.....I suppose. I could have asked for a mirror for us to look into TOGETHER and ask her "honestly, do you really think we look the same age?" I know sometimes I can get a little dark and have the 'something like mary' leather thing going.... but really? Come-on lady.....get over yourself. AND, I cant wear the same pair of shoes that a mid 40s rude, ignoramus BEEEAAATCH wears! Now, let me be clear - I have some 40 and 40+ friends who absolutely look like they are in their 20s and can kick my lazy ass so THOSE are not the 40s folks I am talking about so iron out the panties and put your feathers back in already!

One more story it reminds me of is a friend of mine in the military reported back on a hospital visit where in the curtain next to her she hears the nurse look 'down there' and just say uhhhhmmm, hold on, let me get the doctor. Then the doctor comes and ever so politely says "Good Lord it looks like ground meat, what have you been doing to it?"

Bad Breath

OK, so this shouldn't really be news to anyone and maybe is more of a public service announcement but really there is no excuse for halitosis! The nose is conveniently located on the same face and in direct proximity to the mouth....so the breath that flows from the mouth travels upward right into the nose therefore enabling you to smell your own breath IMMEDIATELY. I know when I have bad breath and I can either do something about it or divert the out-flowing air away from living beings.

Coffee, smoke, morning breath, garlic, onions are all gimmes so I can almost understand that if you havent directly participated in any of those how you may think that you are exempt from having bad breath.......but really just do us all a favor and carry a mint or gum and now and then pay attention to the person backing away as you enter their personal space. And if necessary do the hand in front of the face and hot breath HAAAAH thing while sniffing.....very similar to the back stroke scoop up the air under your arm thing but a little less animated and obvious.

I think age 5 is when you can officially enter the world of bad breath....the puppy breath stage is over. Speaking of that.... what about puppy breath - its smells like a skunk but why is it that we LOVE puppy breath. Another one of life's mysteries!

I do love when my kids get in bed with me but when they have horrid breath like they havent ever seen a toothbrush I am not so enamored with them. I actually want to turn the other way or make them leave.....It makes snuggling a little challenging....as does near combustion that happens when we cuddle. Its really too bad that such a wonderful thing is so easily ruined by either bad breath or your skin on fire.

Catholic Communion

So a few weeks ago my grandfather died. He was 89 and lived a long wonderful satisfying life so it was more of a celebration! The service was a traditional Catholic Mass service. I have not gone to a Catholic mass in a very long time. During and after the service I remembered why. At what age are you exempt from all of that kneeling, standing, sitting business? Im not that old but that is hard on the worn knees! And then there is the communion.....our church does communion but a little different - will get into this in a minute.

So as you know communion is sharing the body of Christ with 300 of your closest friends on a weekly basis. How big was this man anyhow and how on earth did he turn into a case of wafers? Just kidding people. So, I wait in the line, get my wafer and onto the next line for the 'wine'. Well, Im not sure where they got this moonshine but I could smell it from 4 feet away. So in the Catholic Church it is a communal glass that everyone drinks from. Now, not having done this in a while I figured surely with the Mad Cow, Meningitis, and herpes they would have moved away from this communal glass but no - sharing the love. I walk up and he has wiped the rim that the last cold sore, strep throat, swine flu person just drank from - with a nice decorative holy handkerchief. I feel much better about slugging down the spit now. I am hoping not to get struck down during my grandfathers funeral service but risked it anyhow and looked at the priest and said (as best I could with the wafer stuck to the roof of my mouth) "do I have to drink it?" He said "not if you dont want to". OH THANK GOD I screamed (in my head).

So I go back to my bench, kneel and pray still with the in-tact wafer stuck to the roof of my mouth. Luckily it was stuck in there pretty good or I would have spit it out when one of the elderly men YELLED AMEN when he got his. WHOA - we can hear you for crying out loud!

Once everyone had participated the priests went back to the alter and one of them just downed the rest of the whiskey like he was at a fraternity party - I was worried he was about to do an alter stand!! So glad he didnt b/c I fear for what was under the robe (or what wasnt). It was a pretty hefty serving of the moonshine and I am worried to be on the road with him driving but it might be rude for me to try to take his keys!

Our church has edible wheat thin like cracker that you almost want a whole handful of and some dip. And you get your own tiny little shot of grape juice as your wine.

It has been 3 weeks and I think I still have some of that wafer stuck in my teeth.

Im the funniest person I know,

Really, I am. Maybe in my own mind, but I wish I had a recorder with me or at least a camera following me around to see the things I see that are SO easy. Yesterday I was in Wal-Mart - which is just funny in itself - Wal-Mart is already easy material. Just the fact that you have to care what you look like to go there to avoid making it into one of those emails with the 'best-of' pictures. But I must say I could have made at least 4 entries into the best-of in merely 10 minutes there! It was like I was being punked! OK, Ashton - you can come out now.........Ashton? Ashton? Where Aaaaarreee yooooooohoooooo?

So first there was the bag-lady whose makeup was done by a blind Elizabeth Taylor and I mean I had a physical reaction. I had to pretend that I was already stretching my neck out in pain prior to catching her eye. But when I did, of course I had to look away immediately but knew she saw my reaction - so in fear of the probable pre-historic poison dart blower in her Poppins bag I held the buggie tightly and continued to stretch out like a seal on a rock in SF bay!

Next was the lady who was completely normal looking from head to toe except her dress was WAY too short. And its January so its not leg-bearing tan season around here so not too much to show off in the way of the legs. I only really noticed b/c I bent over to tie my shoe and when I looked up WHOA - cant look away or keep looking but cant fall over and look away so fast I am a spectacle. But at least she had panties on! Boy, that was uncomfortable, felt like a perv and all I was doing was tying my shoe. I think I would have rathered tripped over my laces into the lap of lady #1.

And now that it took me 2 days to write this I cant remember the other 'interesting' person from Wal-Mart. Oh, maybe it was the checker who asked me how I was doing at least 6 times. Alzheimer's maybe? So, to validate I gave a different answer from #3-6. Was kind of fun. Either Yes to the Alzheimers or he wasnt actually listening and had his ipod in!

Oh, so back to the point. In my head I have so MANY one-liners going on that sometimes make me actually chuckle out load to nobody at all and if there were a camera to see what I am seeing and then to turn to me and read my mind or HEAR what I am thinking - my opinion that I am the funniest person I know could be validated.

Long Time no blog

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All of you nay-sayers were right. I dont actually have time to blog. And the time I do have to blog will have to go towards writing a book so you will just have to wait for the book. :)

Just kidding - isnt a blog how you get someone to invite you to write a book? Chicken or Egg?

Wow - October. Really? I wont try to catch up, will just start fresh. When I think of what is fresh other than the odor in my fridge, I will let you know. If you have a topic, you can let me know.

Later