Trip to the Mall

If you have been to the mall more than one time in your life you have experienced the pushy kiosk people that walk TOWARDS you in the mall trying to reel you into their space and talk your ear off about whatever it is that they have that is magical and all-healing. So, if you have EVER spoken to one or let yourself be lured in you also have come up with your own strategy to avoid these people like the plague! Either you are friendly and stop and nod your head and say no thank you, or you make something up like you have to get going to make it to your next liver transplant on time or you act like you are deaf, mute, blind and only speak hungarian and just grunt and squint and maybe cop a feel as if you dont know better. OR, you could just fart and be on your way.

Whichever direction you choose you have figured it out, you are no mall kiosk sucker. You are on the verge of having a BudLight song written for you. So, the other day when I (so thoughtfully) brought my swine flu kid to the mall with me to drop off a dress for alterations and be on my way we were caught off guard by the guy putting his hand out saying 'here, I have a gift for you' So, of course Natalie's eyes open wide and she puts her hand out before I can stop her she has lotion on her hands. Now, mind you she is my allergy, asthma, excema child who would probably break out in hives and on this occasion I would have welcomed it to get the hell out of there! But no, no allergic reaction, no hives, no tearing, nothing. He gets lotion on both of our hands, says smell it, etc....isnt it nice, the sweetest thing, blah blah blah. "Next" he says in his Isrealii accent " something better" so as we inch our way closer to the fast talking boy he then puts a glob of salt in my hand - keep in mind I have my purse hanging from my wrist AND a shopping bag. Natalie also has a bag and puts her hand out before I can stop her. Of course I couldnt b/c I have a hand full of salt of my own, so she then has a hand full of salt too! GREAT. Now what? I can either just toss it on the ground, throw it at him and wipe my hands on his shirt OR move even closer and fall for this ploy to stand there even longer and listen to the schpeel. So, I slide the things off of my wrist (as he mentions his de-facto joke that he wont take anything) and put my hands over the bowl in hopes that what he has in the pitcher is water that will rinse this stuff off and get it off of my little girl who might soon balloon up like a blowfish! So, we luckily get it off of our hands all the while listening to the guy in his adorable accent tell me about where the salt comes from and why the Dead Sea is called the Dead Sea like I am an uneducated ignoramus! So, this is insult #1 - "do you know why it is called the Dead Sea?" Then as I am all rinsed off and ready to run he puts yet another thing on my wrist with a cotton ball while asking if I showered today - showing me the cotton ball with dirty dead skin on it and says "Eww, disgusting right?" (insult #2) Accent getting a little annoying and gay at this point. Yeah, buddy - you went to sales 101 I suppose - insult the customer - you are a dumb-ass and a smelly hag! Nice.

So, onto the close - you get this and this and this but if you buy just this and this, you of course get this free! All of this for just $150!!! What a deal! I will take 4 sets, wrap em up! Why on earth would he think that an uneducated smelly hag could afford such luxuries!

And get your smelly paws off my kid - oh, wait - dont, why dont you kiss her and OH, Im sorry you just got the flu didnt you? Bummer - you should let people answer you before you touch them! Because on this day, I would have had a perfectly acceptable and truthful brush-off that certainly would have had him back away!